I recently went through a box of keepsakes from our storage unit. The box was one I had forgotten about – one of those things I’d been comfortable doing without, but once opened, transported me back to a time in my life I’d missed for decades. I found my old scrapbook. Among the pictures, high school speech scripts, and newspaper clippings, I found two letters. I hadn’t seen them in years.
College rejection letters. One from Yale (which I remembered) and the other from Princeton (I didn’t even remember I had applied). As I read them, the 62-year-old in me chuckled, but that latent 18-year-old brain recalled the feeling of failure I felt at the time. As things turned out, I had a wonderful college experience at the University of Illinois where I met my husband and where I established a connection that led to my career, so in retrospect, there’s no doubt these two letters were a blessing. But as with all things we reexamine with hindsight, it’s easy to see that. How do we allow ourselves to get through that stressful moment to understand that negative events in our lives are pathways to success?
As indicated by today’s rise of mental health issues, the notion of “not measuring up” seems to plague our society. With the media taking an increased level of interest reporting lifestyle rather than news (it’s easier to find out what Taylor Swift wore to the grocery store than get an update on a natural disaster in Southeast Asia) and the access to social platforms that give us the means to share our daily lives, we often find ourselves comparing our lives to those of others. (In actuality, we are most likely comparing our lives to the “posts” of others!) Fifty years ago, our friends were people we saw every day, and if we wanted to know about celebrities, we had to buy magazines. Today, with click on our devices we can check in on “friends” across the world and can find thousands of current photos of anyone in the public eye. The accessibility to information is wonderful for people who are confident about who they are and how they live their lives, but to those who are insecure and facing challenge, it’s a dangerous path to increased anxiety.
The importance of how we raise children has always been a priority to me. In fact, I often remark that we can essentially change the world in one generation if we just raised all our kids well. As adults, we play many roles that influence how the younger generation feels as they are growing up, and whether they are equipped to take on issues of rejection and negativity. On a macro scale in our professional lives, we find ourselves in positions of making decisions that influence wide segments of the population. On a micro scale as parents and adult relatives, we influence individually, and help children grow their feelings of self-worth and confidence.
Our Macro Influence
Leaders in both the public and private sector of enterprise play a big role in crafting societal touchstones. In August of 2019, the statement made by the Business Roundtable sparked strong reactions that continue to fuel debates today. The products we make and services we offer help shape the way people live, work, interact, and learn. In recent years, there have been countless articles written about the responsibility of business on the topic of physical and mental health. Obesity is blamed on the fast-food industry, violence on gun manufacturers, and opioid addiction on the pharmaceuticals. The WSJ article in the Fall of 2021 revealed that Facebook is aware of the toxicity Instagram can bring to the mental health of teenage girls. In all these cases, business leadership needs to be aware of whether a company might be contributing to societal challenges and understand how these issues play on the success of their enterprise.
At the same time, responsibility for how people feel and behave cannot rest solely on business. The full responsibility of a young girl’s mental health, a community’s indignation about racial equity, or a child’s obesity cannot and should not be placed on the doorstep of corporate boardrooms.
Our Micro Influence
Our ability to handle and move through rejection and negativity in our life rests primarily on the resilience that we learn as children. All those involved in teaching/raising children have a role to play in how we deal with rejection and unhappiness. The world can be unfair, and will likely remain so at times, regardless of how hard we might try to legislate it away. As hard as we try to rid the world of bullying, there will always be that kid on the playground that makes fun of how we look. How we are taught to handle it at age 10 is a pretty good predictor of how we deal with the same human 40 years later.
There are some fundamental cornerstones of this resilience that we need to build in young people as they come across discomfort in the world.
Accepting that the world isn’t always going to be fair.
There are always people who are going to win when you believe they shouldn’t. It’s hard to understand in the moment but having the ability to move on and not stew or hold a grudge is important for one’s attitude and confidence. How an adult responds when a child says, “that’s not fair” (or perhaps when a child hears an adult utter those words?) defines what that child thinks an appropriate reaction and behavior should be. Sometimes things just happen. Sometimes even though you tried the hardest, you didn’t win the game. Sometimes, no one notices a cheater. If you believe in karma, like I do, you’ll have an easier time moving on. If you believe that a closed door leads to an open window, it’s even easier.
Focusing on context.
Recognizing that most people don’t set out to ruin your day is important. Kids are never too young to understand the importance of context. Helping them understand that peoples’ actions are often based on what’s going on in their lives (or perhaps what happened in their past) builds levels of patience and empathy that can overcome difficult situations. The first time I drove with a carful of breakable crystal, I realized the importance of taking corners slowly. Ever since that day, whenever I drive behind someone who seems to slow to a snail’s pace while turning a corner, rather than immediately assume that they are a terrible driver, I imagine that perhaps they are carrying something (or someone) breakable, and it causes me to be just a little more patient.
The more kids are exposed to a variety of environments and people, the greater they will think about context when something unfriendly is said or an unfriendly action is observed. They will learn that those who come from less fortunate backgrounds might harbor resentment. Those who haven’t had the opportunity to travel might have a misplaced bias about different parts of the world. Those who are in difficult circumstances might behave in an unusual way. In most cases, there is an opportunity to have a dialogue, to grow one’s experience, and to uncover generosity.
Realizing that the harder we work, the more we learn.
When I complained to my mother that kids on my grade school playground made fun of my ethnicity, she said to me, “You’re Chinese, and you’re a girl. As a result, you will probably have to work twice as hard to get what you want. But remember…if you work twice as hard, you learn twice as much.” It was her practical realism that I loved so much; that in the long run, rejection that pushes you to work harder might not be all that bad. I learned to make the best of it, and perhaps that’s why I didn’t even remember the Princeton letter.
Elbert Hubbard coined the phrase, “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade”, which has long been used as advice in times of adversity. Rejection and failure cannot be avoided, and as in the case of my scrapbook discovery, are often defining moments in our lives. Our role as leaders in business and adults raising children are critical in helping young people learn to deal with negativity in a productive manner as they grow to become constructive members of society.
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