Shades of Leadership

Self-reflection

The cleanest state you’ll ever find my house is on the day before I leave on a business trip. On that day, you’ll find me emptying out the laundry bins by working the washer/dryer all day, vacuuming the floors from grass clippings and leaves that the dogs have brought in, clearing the dishwasher of any clean dishes and loading it with anything remaining in the sink, and dusting furniture. As I made this observation last night (I’m on a plane to NYC as I write this) to my husband of almost 40 years, he curiously asked me, “Why do you do that?” I’ve had the luxury of being married to a stay-at-home dad since our kids were 6 and 3, and he has done more than his fair share of the housework. But for some reason, I still possess some degree of guilt that I’m off on a business trip to New York today, so yesterday I spent much of the day cleaning house.

As one who speaks regularly about the unique challenges women have in the business world, one of my greatest bits of advice is for women to be forgiving of ourselves. However passionately and convincingly I might be about this message, I realized last night that I fall under the same patterns that I try and coax other women to escape.

I could blame my late mother – who never seemed to stop, cooked like a gourmet Chinese chef, and whose house was always immaculate. But my mom also worked outside the home, has been gone for over a decade, and I’m sure there were days where the house wasn’t perfect. As far as I recall, she doesn’t visit me in my dreams asking me why my linens aren’t pressed and why we eat out so much. Furthermore, I’m over 60, so at some point I need to own my behaviors, right?

What I suffer from is a self-imposed expectation that I believe many women possess, which stems from some latent guilt about the following: I chose to have a professional career – but that should not excuse me from the role of homemaker.

I don’t think men do this. If I were to poll the men I see tonight at a business function, I seriously doubt many of them (if any) spent Sunday cleaning house. If they did, I doubt it was because they thought, “Oh I’m leaving on a business trip tomorrow, so I better get my house chores done!”. Maybe it’s just me…I don’t know if other women have these issues (or if you’re a man, if you notice your wife does this). We are known to exhibit this behavior during the third trimester of pregnancy… nesting, they call it, as our biological selves prepare for the birth of a child. But I’m a grandmother now, so that’s no excuse. I need to take a page out of my own book and listen to the advice I give to young women at the start of their careers.

This strange phenomenon I seem to experience every time I plan a trip is primarily a personal issue I need to work through. I have not only the means to hire help, but more importantly, the wherewithal to keep from driving myself (or my husband) crazy. But it does give me pause to think about why we continue to find challenges for women who choose to work outside of the home, and why many of these challenges are unique only to us? We’ve had many examples of success, and increased role models over the years, and businesses show improvement when women are at the table. So why are there still struggles, feelings of guilt, and continued debate over how to overcome the odds?

A woman’s career is not ancillary by default. Choosing to have a career is a personal decision. It is an outgrowth of a belief that due to your investment in education or experience, you can contribute to society outside of your home, and that by doing so, you will reap monetary rewards that will give you more life options. If you are a single parent, you have no choice. Until your children are old enough to support themselves, a responsible adult finds a job to earn a wage and provides for the family. If you’re in a marriage or partnership, the choice of whether both of you work is a joint decision. If one person works, the other assumes the lion’s share of the chores at home. Note I didn’t say all – because the stuff at home never really ends and requires more than one to keep everything going. If both people work, then both manage a home, and both raise the kids. Sounds simple, right? But it doesn’t always work that way. As evidenced by the disproportionate number of women who are opting out of work in the post-pandemic era, it seems in many cases the women’s career is considered “ancillary” even if she has equal or higher earning potential. If you find yourself in this situation, have an honest conversation with your spouse or partner. Be careful not to let your career disruption/termination be a default decision.

Stop trying to be what the outside world tells you to be. If you believe everything you read and watch, women are expected to be nothing short of a superhero. If we have professional careers, we should be as outstanding as the most successful Fortune 100 CEO (note that women who fail are always singled out because there are so few). If we own a home it’s supposed to look like it came out of Architectural Digest, or better yet, you built it like those people on HGTV on which the women somehow sport perfect manicures as they nail 2x4s into the wall. If you have a family, you should emulate Martha Stewart and be making bread from scratch, and helping your kids with holiday crafts (don’t you dare skip Easter eggs or holiday cookies even for a year). All the while, your face and body need to be worthy of appearing on the cover of Cosmo Magazine, or you have “let yourself go”. Ridiculous, right? But I assume most women reading this are nodding their heads. The important thing to remember is that each of the above media links targets a specific audience…we’re not supposed to be ALL of them at the same time!! We need to give ourselves a real break…

Stop trying to prove yourself to anyone.  Whether it’s proving yourself to your parents, alive or deceased, other family members, friends, or even naysayers, let it go. Define what happiness is for yourself or yourselves and make that your goal. When my husband quit his career to stay home with our kids, there were undoubtedly people who were disappointed and even those who snickered. We didn’t care. It was the best decision for our family, and we never looked back. With the exception of my strange house-cleaning ritual, there are no negative residual effects, but only happy choices we’ve made ever since. In my experience, watching those who seek only “success” as defined by others seems to almost always result in dissatisfaction and regret. Don’t fall into that trap.

So as I wing my way to my business meeting in New York today I have time to reflect on my own advice. I will refrain from feeling a need to get all my chores done on the day before my next trip. If I’m successful, I’ll at least work it over two or three days before I hop on the plane!  

Dealing with Alzheimer's and dementia during the holidays

The holidays are upon us.  For many people, this is the happiest time of the year.  Families and friends gather, eat great (and lots of) food, celebrate traditions, and catch up on the annual news.  But for those suffering with Alzheimer’s or dementia, this can actually be a very stressful time.  If you or someone you know is going to be around someone suffering from dementia this holiday, consider the following tips to ensure it’s enjoyable for everyone:

• Keep perspective on what’s really important.  The objective is to keep your loved one safe and happy, and to minimize outbursts that can add to an already stressful time of year.  If you’re the host or hostess, you must remember that it’s not about “your party”, but about setting the right environment where future memories are created. 
• Limit change to their normal routine.  If your loved one is accustomed to a set schedule, (i.e., when they get up, mealtimes, taking a nap, etc.), let them stick to it as much as possible.  Change to routine can very difficult for dementia victims.  Allow for “down time”, and be cognizant of “sun-downing” which can happen late in the afternoon when there is an increased likelihood of agitation.
• Keep your loved one in an environment where they feel safe.  As fun as it may seem to everyone else to “take grandma shopping”, to people suffering from dementia, unfamiliar external input is amplified.  New surroundings filled with crowds can seem very dangerous and can create considerable stress.  Keeping them at home during the hustle and bustle of holiday shopping might be the best thing to do.  If your loved one lives in an assisted living facility, you may even find it better to visit them there, rather than bring them to your home.
• Let them take part in a few of their favorite traditions.  If grandma used to bake or cook, let her take part in helping with stirring, rolling out the dough, or decorating the cookies.  If grandpa used to be in charge of holiday cards, let him help you organize them or file them in a photo album.  Due to attention span and cognitive issues, people suffering from later stages of Alzheimer’s/dementia might be happier taking part with the holiday activities of the younger kids.  Holiday movies, making cookies, coloring and children’s crafts give them an opportunity to share in holiday activities without feeling overwhelmed.
• Limit the number of presents, and think “simple”.  Your loved one is not going to be impressed by how much you spend or how many presents you give them.  Consider the “age” they are at – not biological, but cognitive – and select gifts accordingly.
• Watch what your loved one eats and drinks.  Holiday treats are especially tempting to Alzheimer’s/dementia victims.  Realize that they may not be able to limit themselves by good judgment, so watch where you put the sweets and treats!  Also, be sure they stay hydrated during this time.  It’s important to keep them feeling healthy, and for any/all medications to work properly.
• Visiting friends and relatives need a “heads up” about the condition of your loved one.  Visitors might not be aware of how to act/react around people with Alzheimer’s.  A quick brief on what to expect and say/not say can reduce stress.  If you are a visitor yourself, be sure to understand the condition of the dementia victim, and be thoughtful about your behavior and what you say.
• Surround your loved one with music.  Music is a part of the holiday tradition that can elevate their mood.  If your family has a tradition of caroling, include them in it.  Even many suffering from Alzheimer’s can easily recall songs they have known for years!
• Take pictures and videos.  Years from now, you and your family will look back upon this holiday season with warm thoughts about your loved on, and happy times you shared together. 

Holiday time with Alzheimer’s/dementia victims does not need to be stressful.  In fact, some of the moments can be very special as people take time to listen and pay special attention to your loved one.  Savor those moments, and know that as long as you show patience and love, you and your loved one will enjoy this holiday as much as ever!